Poppy Ajudha’s Letter To Her Younger Self
When we are young girls growing into women, other people's perspectives of us can guide how we see ourselves. We begin to construct our identities on everyone else's opinions, stereotypes and assumptions. Everyone has something to say about who or how we should be, what is appropriate for us to wear or how we should speak in order to be heard. This, compounded by the discovery of how our race, class or sexuality, further influences and intersects with these oppressive opinions, can make being a woman an exhausting task.
Sometimes it means we become reflections of everyone around us, absorbing the conditioning of what it is to be a woman. This holds us back from our ultimate ability. You know this already, you feel it every day that you grow older but you’ll only really learn how to articulate it and then to fight it, as you meet new people and learn new ways to live and it will be a reoccurring topic of discussion throughout your life and work. Let’s go back to the beginning.
Dear Poppy, right now you are 10 years old, P!NK is playing on the radio and you’re convinced she’s stolen your song because at playtime last week you were writing the exact same thing!
You don’t realise it yet but you love her because she’s so bold and everything you’ve been told a girl shouldn't be. She has short hair, is athletically built and she’s always frowning…. Why is everyone always telling you to smile? That’s going to get really irritating.
___STEADY_PAYWALL___
You’ve been watching Jools Holland with mum every year, your favourites were Amy Winehouse, Adele and Lianne La Havas. Wow, weren't they breathtaking, you’ll dream everyday of having your moment with Jools, what you’ll say to him, what song you’d sing... You won’t believe me but one day, he’ll call you on your mobile, and ask you to sing a song with him at the piano, and then begin playing the piano through the phone and nudging you to sing along. You won’t say any of the things you thought you’d say, you actually play it really cool.
You’re now 13 and have been crying all year for a guitar, one Christmas you get your cousin's old electric but with no amp to plug it into (no one in your family knows anything about music) but regardless it ignites your passion and your journey with writing begins.
I know you’ve been writing all these love songs, because I guess that’s “what girls do”… but you’re not really sure about what because you’ve never had a boyfriend and boys are pretty annoying anyway, plus mum said then you’d have to kiss them and well, that is just unthinkable.
On top of that we both know you have a secret you’re not ready to share with the world yet, you spend most of your days telling yourself you’re not it, don’t worry this gets easier, while it feels like growing up is a never ending, and sometimes lonely, journey of discovery, you do find your people and this helps you to accept yourself.
Funny story actually… years later in a spontaneous act of defiance, when asked directly in an interview on the 7 o’clock channel 4 news, you come out as queer, knowing full well the whole of your family is watching, plus the rest of the nation. You decide in that moment to not be ashamed of who you are, and to be an example for anyone watching, still quietly on their journey to self acceptance, that it is ok to love yourself.
It’s secondary school break time now, and you’ve been forcing all your friends to listen to you play the guitar badly and sing your songs in the music room, they say you’re great but you don’t believe them because they’re your friends so they have to say you’re good, right? The problem is you have an audition for the BRIT school in a few weeks but you don’t think you’re good enough plus you’re so bad at music theory you’re sure you’ll never get in… so you make an excuse and miss it. You’ve been told that being a singer is an unrealistic job so you decide you’ll be a psychologist or a therapist, the mind is so interesting. Looking back this was a formative moment for you, your perception of yourself and your low self esteem pushed you against your true dream, this is something you’ll continue to fight but don’t worry, you find your way back.
You decide to study Anthropology at uni in London while still doing music, you miss all the hang outs because it's so hard and everyone is so much cleverer than you. On weekends, you’re doing gigs and writing music, you feel pretty alone most of the time but you trust in the process. Despite it almost killing you, and the late realisation that you are both dyslexic and dyspraxic… You get a First which no one can believe, not even your family. You realise you are in fact a clever clogs despite what people said and you can add more than just music to what you do. You have no idea how important this time is for who you become.
After finishing your degree, and going straight into music full time you perform your first UK and Europe tour… thousands of people come to see YOU play your songs. You realise for the first time the impact your music can have, and the people it can reach. And that it actually helps people, you have endless conversations with people about feminism and toxic masculinity at the merch desk while you sell your homemade t-shirts, it’s such an eye opener and it plants the seed for what will later become your debut album ‘The Power In Us’.
On your 27th birthday, you release your first album. It feels like a long time coming, but dad always said you were a late bloomer, like those flowers in Mulan that blossom last, you were obsessed with that film. A woman of colour (one of the few on Disney apart from Pocahontas, your other favourite) who stands up for her herself and becomes a warrior in disguise because gender roles never made sense to her, and she knew she could do anything she put her mind to, despite what all the men around her said. I wonder why you loved it?
‘The Power In Us’ is born and you can’t think of anything else. There isn’t one love song on the album, it’s about life and the world and the changes you’d like to see. You write about mental health and fragility, you write about our shitty government and its history (those lectures on post colonial theory really coming into use!), and of course you are still shouting about feminism and equality.
There are times you will want to give up, a lot, but you don’t, and trust me you can’t see it now but there is so much around the corner… a few months ago you played the BBC proms with an orchestra in the Royal Albert Hall…Live on national TV… I know it's crazy, but you weren’t even nervous. In fact you were the musical director. You felt completely ready for the moment, and as the reverb pulled your voice across the room you felt at ease. Just 6 months before that you had been in the kitchen ready to give up, “maybe I don’t have anything special to offer the world” you had said to your housemate in the aftermath of the lock downs just prior to releasing the album, with no idea that so many of your bucket list moments were just at the end of the tunnel.
Social media has become more and more important in everyday life. People can reach you at the click of a button and with great highs, support and admiration, come great lows… You become flooded with trolls at the release of your debut album, lots of people don’t agree with your songs on abortion rights and feminism, and it begins to feel like being a queer outspoken woman of colour in this industry is like walking with a target on your back. You even end up writing a song about it, about almost listening to those who wish to stifle your voice, about accepting the change in yourself and the rejection of those who try to hold you back from speaking from the heart. You call it ‘NO!’ And basically tell everyone to f off. You’ve always been stubborn so I'm sure baby you expects nothing less.
Fast forward to now, and you’re still learning how to advocate for yourself, every day, how to be strong in your opinions and follow through with your ideas. You remind yourself every day to never be afraid to change, to move away from things or people that don’t serve your highest version of you. Don’t ever give up. Don’t rely on others for your self belief. It only stops if you stop, you are the driver and the maker of your dreams. And never ever forget that just because someone doesn’t see your value doesn’t mean your value ever changed, in their blinkered view, they just can’t recognise it yet. Disagree, disrupt and lead. Trusting yourself and leading, will get you far further than agreeing ever will.
Words: Poppy Ajudha | Photography: Lennon Gregory
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