In Defence of Silly Crushes: Romantic Delusion is Nothing New
Whenever a friend tells me they have a crush on someone, my response is usually "Get well soon" or "Thoughts and prayers". Not that crushing on someone is bad per se, but more because it has the ability to turn even the most reasonable and rational of us into the most nonsensical and mildly feral individual the group chat has seen.
Crushing on someone can be a very slippery slope and a humbling experience at that. One minute you're listening to the very well-curated crush playlist, then the next, you've acquired their birth chart through suspicious means and googling "how can I enter their dreams?"
Have you ever seen the many variations of the "having a crush needs to be in the DSM-5" meme? I have, many times, and maybe some points were made. There is a reason why my crush playlist is titled ‘get well soon bbs’.
Many moons ago, you'd have people wreaking havoc on a poor unsuspecting flower, chiming, "They love me, they love me not", and taking whichever it landed on as Bible, heads fuzzy, and the ability to discern between probability and fate rendered temporarily out of service. But even if they did get the petal-based result they wanted, how did they determine whether or not they and their crush were actually compatible?
___STEADY_PAYWALL___
“You find yourself obsessing over every detail of every interaction, hoping it means something, and looking towards some external cosmic entity to validate or back up your very shaky hypothesis.”
These days, that’s not a question romantics need to worry about: they have astrology! A personal favourite. Because unlike plucking petals, using astrology to justify your belief that the person you've had two conversations with is the love of your life is actually based on something (it depends on who you ask, though). But do we ever stop to think about why we're so fixated on looking for signs? And when does living in a harmless fantasy land start to become borderline unhealthy?
Who doesn't want someone they're interested in to like them back? In a world where society can be cold and cruel, it makes sense that we’d try to hold on to things that we think have the potential to be something more than the fake scenarios we make up at night before we sleep. Don't worry; this is a safe space. We've all been there, done that and probably bought the matching t-shirts.
You find yourself obsessing over every detail of every interaction, hoping it means something, and looking towards some external cosmic entity to validate or back up your very shaky hypothesis. I can assure you that your crush liking your IG story at 15:15 means nothing. Close the wedding Pinterest board! Immediately!
Liking someone and wanting that thing to work out into a relationship or even just an ongoing situationship is something everybody wants, but, unfortunately, we can't see into the future. Uncertainty and doubt are almost always a given. It would be very easy to create those answers for yourself when you can't find the answers, or it's not the answer you want.
Have you ever desired something so badly that it was all you could think about? It takes over not your whole life but a decent chunk. Wanting and working to welcome love into your life is fab, but often many focus on manifesting one specific person. We've convinced ourselves that they're the only person we need – so much so that we end up in what can be called a 'delusionship'. A delusionship, as described by Urban Dictionary, is a type of relationship where one person is delusional the whole time, and exaggerates their connection with the other person to suit their projected desires. It can also be referred to as 'being delulu' or 'being in your delusional era'. While you can be delulu about anything, we'll use this term in a romantic context.
So what does this mean, and what does it entail? Is this as unhinged as it sounds, or are there some benefits to ignoring reality?
Being in your delusional era is thinking every IG story view, or every liked post is the person you like indirectly declaring their feelings because why wouldn't they be obsessed with you? You noticed them looking at you for a couple seconds? It's obviously because they think you're undeniably the most beautiful person in the world. But what if they took two days to respond to your text? No, they don't find you annoying; in fact, they didn't reply straight away because they don't want to come off as desperate and too readily available.
Now, I understand that this seems somewhat questionable, but being slightly and willingly out of touch with the cruel realities of life can simply be viewed as proactive daydreaming, manifesting even. Spending time thinking about what could be is always a fun pastime, and it makes for great group chat content. It's most definitely a case of the blind leading the blind, but that's way more fun than having realistic expectations. And if the stranger on TikTok showing you the tower card, three of swords and five of cups in reverse tells you that person is the love of your life and you only need to be patient, don't bother looking up what those cards mean; just believe them!
Like everything else in this life, too much of anything can and will be bad for you. It's safe to assume that being in a delusionship, looking for signs where there aren't any or refusing to see things as they are, will not have the best outcome. You end up fixated on a singular narrative and a singular person, and when things don't pan out the way you hoped, being hit with reality hurts a little bit more, and now you're shocked and chagrined. The worst-case scenario, and I mean the absolute worst case, is that you end up down a witchcraft rabbit hole, but I assume that's super rare.
Regardless, whether it be as arbitrary as the last petal on a flower or deferring to the planets, people have always had this need to look for a sign: when there's some doubt about that person or situation we're obsessing over, it becomes way too easy to read between the lines of something that's actually illegible.
While being in your delusional era, in those early stages, is amusing, harmless fun and lets us put our imaginations to work, a reality check every so often, however, would make sure an intervention isn't necessary. Ultimately, it’s being intentional with looking for respect, compassion and mutual pining in your relationships will assure you of what you deserve, and will ultimately create strong foundations and happiness.
Words: Tola Folarin-Coker
