Self-Love Is Important. But It’s Not the Key to Romance.

Words: Susan Akyeampong

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Newly single, I've been once again confronted with society's message loud and clear: singleness is a problem to be solved. Whitney Wolfe Herd, CEO of Bumble, recently discussed a near future where AI consultants handle our love lives. These consultants would supposedly analyse our personalities, needs, desires, and find compatible matches. This scenario is both bleak and plausible because it preys on a fundamental truth: most of us crave romantic love.  This desire is so powerful that it's fuelled a lucrative industry for figures like Wolfe Herd and self-proclaimed dating experts. Our yearning for love is so profound, it was always going to end up being monetised.

I have a complicated relationship with love. Rom-coms and my Nicholas Sparks phase at secondary school instilled a dreamy vision of romance in me from a young age: meet-cutes, grand gestures, and happily-ever-afters. But life didn’t match the fairytale. I've been single for most of my adult years, and for a long time, I felt really insecure about that. My rose-tinted view on relationships left me chasing butterflies and ignoring red flags. I can’t help but wonder if growing up with a more grounded perspective on love would have helped me better navigate or avoid my last relationship entirely. So today, in the wake of my first breakup, I’m deconstructing my faith in love.

I may have ditched the romance novels but the truth is, I still want love. Deep down, I worry about how much I truly want it because it seems mostly out of my control. How would I feel if I never find it? To make things worse, advice from friends in relationships and societal messages often makes you feel weird about your desire for love. The most tired piece of advice I hear the most? "Love yourself more, and then love will find you." It implies your singleness is because you don’t love yourself enough. If you did, you wouldn’t want it as much as you do, and it would’ve found you by now.
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It’s patronising. It dismisses our desire for love and suggests that as a grown woman, you’ve got other things to worry about. Ethel, a 28-year-old Christian woman, describes the tension of reconciling her faith with her desire for love. For many Christians, she tells me, marriage has long been seen as an integral part of living out the faith -  building a Christian family and raising children who share her values.

Yet, "the implication is that if you're not in a relationship," she explains, "you should be putting all your energy into a career because you have more time." However she, like many, balances a fulfilling career with the desire for a meaningful relationship. "I'm quite happy on my own," she clarifies, "I like my own space and being free to make decisions for myself. But at the same time, I love love."  The implication that these desires are somehow misaligned, or that you shouldn’t prioritise them because you have other luxuries in your life, like time, is incredibly reductive.

Last month, I came across this viral Twitter thread that resonated with me and so many other women. The author, Emily, is fed up with the pressure on single people to be independent and self-fulfilled before finding a partner. Just like countless others, Emily has built a life filled with hobbies, travel, and a focus on personal growth. But as she rightly points out, self-development doesn't negate the desire for love and companionship. She’s over pretending to be happy being single and hates the advice to just "put yourself out there" and “love yourself more”.

This tweet hits home for so many of us because it exposes the hollowness of the "love yourself more" advice.  Whether you love yourself or not, you’re no more likely to find love. I often joke that all the women in my life are all well-rounded and amazing.  It’s actually true though, and I’m sure it’s true for your friendship circle too. In the UK, women make up a significant portion (64%) of NHS talking therapy referrals. This highlights a trend of women taking a proactive approach to self-improvement and well-being, as well as pursuing careers, and nurturing our passions. A lot of us are also single. 

“Whether you love yourself or not, you’re no more likely to find love.”

Journalist Minreet Kaur, in her 40s, gets really annoyed when people tell her to focus on herself. “I already love myself and have developed myself,” she says. “I just find this is all people can say and they don't realise that I am looking for a partner to add value to my life.” She  highlights a key aspect of healthy relationships: mutual value. She desires a partner who complements her fulfilling life, not simply completes it.

Clotilde Chinnici, aged 24, a film and TV journalist, finds the "love yourself first" message in dating to be overly simplistic and potentially damaging. While acknowledging the importance of self-love, she takes issue with the implication that complete self-acceptance is a prerequisite for finding a partner.  

She questions the "all-or-nothing" mentality, highlighting the unrealistic expectation of perfect self-love. “While I do see some positive sides to it (it is very important, in fact, to love yourself first and not rely on somebody's else love exclusively), it promotes the idea that if you don't love yourself first – which, to be honest, does anyone really love themselves 100% anyway? – then nobody will ever love you. This is particularly harmful when it comes to mental health as well ... It also feels like an easy way out in a way, as if loving yourself could replace romantic love from a partner when the two can - and arguably should - co-exist.”

Ultimately, she believes self-love and the desire for romantic love can coexist. “It  feels like an easy way out in a way, as if loving yourself could replace romantic love from a partner when the two can - and arguably should - co-exist”.

All of this said, a huge amount of self-love and acceptance is required when you’re putting yourself out there on the dating landscape, which can be disheartening. Clotilde has found that it's hard meeting someone organically, especially after graduating from university. "I don't want to use online dating apps," she explains, "and it feels like there is no way to meet someone organically in the real world, especially now that I am finished."  

Living in a bustling city adds another layer of complexity. "Everyone's life is so hectic and chaotic," she says, "I struggle to find time to meet with my friends, let alone someone new!" For Minreet, although the apps offer a large pool of potential suitors, she finds that for heterosexual women, they're rife with unrealistic expectations and a casual dating culture. "Guys just want one night stands,” she says. Being a single woman in her 40s has also lead to assumptions about her child-free status, despite her desire for a partner to build a family with. The sheer number of choices on these apps also feels overwhelming, she tells me, making it difficult to find someone who shares her values and commitment goals.

Ultimately dating is tough for single women, and its challenges can feel like a constant uphill battle. Personal growth, career success, and strong friendships are undeniably worthwhile and fulfilling pursuits but; they can feel like consolation prizes when a deep longing for connection, intimacy, and emotional partnership remains unaddressed. 

I still love a good love story, but romance novels and romcoms always end just before real life kicks in. They gloss over the complexities of actual relationships. So while we might not have that meet-cute we daydream about, it doesn't mean the desire for connection and love is any less real. Pursuing self-love and personal growth will undoubtedly make you a healthier person for your own benefit. It will also position you for a healthier and likely more fulfilling relationship.  We can, and absolutely should, embrace holding space for both desires.