SickSadGirlz: Dealing With Sexism & Dismissal from Male Doctors

YOU ASKED: I’ve experienced multiple occasions of slight sexism with male doctors, how do you get through treatment / dismissal of symptoms from the fem perspective?

First off we want to say we’re so sorry you’ve had this experience, and it may simultaneously comfort you and totally bum you out to know you’re definitely not alone. We’d like to think of ourselves as experts only of our own feelings, not so much the facts, but we do have both objective and empirical knowledge on this much: the medical system is laden with gendered and racial bias. Okay, sure “The doctor will see you now”…but will they? Will they actually see me, listen to what I have to say and do their best to provide adequate care? In the UK and the US, women are less believed, and receive mistreatment more often than men. Now compound that for women of colour. Given that and the idea that doctors are yet another example of authority figures who have the ability to abuse their power, it’s no wonder that when we’re sitting in a clinician’s office, it can feel less like a safe space and more like an interrogation room. 

Until these systemic issues are addressed and improved or we figure out how to disappear sexism, racism, classism (and other isms) from the medical system, what we can offer you is our SSG Check-Up Checklist (yeah, we’re still workshopping the name) that at least helps put us in the best position possible when receiving treatment. 

Time for a pep talk:

Okay, so you’re still reeling from the disappointment, trauma or general negative experience you had during a previous visit to the doctor, it makes sense that you will have some anxiety or nerves walking in the door the next time around. At some point before you step into that office, go through what you want to get out of the encounter. If you’re waiting on results or a diagnosis there’s no way to be 100% sure of the outcome, but focusing on the things you can control might mitigate some of these anxieties and help you walk into the appointment more clear-minded. Go in with a list of your symptoms, pose some questions that you want to ask beforehand, and write things down! It can be a lot to remember everything in the moment, especially if it’s an appointment with an allotted amount of time.You might walk out at the end suddenly recalling something important a little too late, so make your plan, and let the clinician know your intentions at the top of the appointment.

___STEADY_PAYWALL___

Hospital Mum to the Rescue:

Anxieties around treatment can also lead to difficulties in advocating for ourselves, especially when we’re being dismissed or invalidated. This is where a Hospital Mum might help. As two SSGz, there are a lot of hospital visits between us. Some now feel eerily routine and virtually painless, but the ones that we aren’t so prepared for — or that involve new practitioners — can feel a little scary. That’s when it can be really helpful to have someone else in the room who can advocate for you. Take that list we made before the appointment: great, but did you leave anything out? Maybe you expressed something in the waiting room that you didn’t feel comfortable saying out loud to the doctor. Enter *dramatic music* Hospital Mom™. A little moral support and a hand squeeze from someone who you trust and is there for you can be especially reassuring in these situations. And if you can’t get one in person, try Hospital Mom Lite: phone a friend beforehand and go over the pep talk together, put them on speakerphone during the appointment so they can listen in, or record the convo on your phone so you can listen back and debrief with them after (in our experience, this is also helpful in keeping some of our less than favorable doctors on their toes and on their best behavior).

Ask questions:

Being a SSG has forced a lot of us to become semi-professional medical researchers. Note: a lot of doctors seem to hate this. Also note: we don’t care. It’s not about us knowing more than the doctor (although sometimes we do feel like we are experts in our illnesses), it’s about having access to all helpful information. If they want to respond negatively to our Googling, ask them if there are any reading materials they can offer. Ask for a treatment plan! Are there real people dealing with something similar that they can connect you with? (When I got my ICD I had the option to talk to a physiotherapist who had been saved 8 times by his defibrillator. It helped me make an informed decision about the surgery). Asking questions can also be a great way to help determine if something the doctor said was in good faith or if it came from a bigoted or simply bad place. (See #4) 

Put. Them. On. Notice.

In the event that this doctor is trying you with some sexist, racist, or inappropriate bullshit, call them out. If Hospital Mum doesn’t drag them by the ear or you don’t want to bruise their fragile ego, there are a few phrases it can be helpful to internalise:

• “I’m uncomfortable with the way you said [insert shitty remark here]”

• In response to asking inappropriate questions:
  “I’m wondering why you asked that question?” / “Would you have asked that question if I was [a man/white/able-bodied etc.]?”

• “Can you explain why [insert stupid instruction here]”

• “I will sue.” (Kind of kidding, but also not at all).

Bye Bye Bye:

This last one is maybe the biggest thing we try to remember in appointments: you are allowed to ask for a different practitioner if you feel uncomfortable, unsafe or you do not feel you’re receiving adequate care. If there is a doctor that you trust, let them know how you feel. Even if they don’t specialise in what you’re after, they may be able to point you in the direction of someone who could help. For more information on your healthcare rights with the NHS, check out: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-nhs-constitution-for-england/the-nhs-constitution-for-england

We know that this checklist is a perfect example of treating the symptoms not the cause (pun fully intended), and that in an ideal world it would not be asked of us to be good patients, but rather for doctors to be asking themselves what makes a “good doctor”. (And they do exist. We’ve been privileged enough to be treated by some of them.) More than anything, we just want you to know that you’re right, it’s not fair. We should be receiving proper treatment and we shouldn’t have to run through a whole fucking list of things to hope we’ll be treated justly. There’s too much irony in the idea that I need a therapist to talk about going to the doctor, but please know that we see you, whether you’re experiencing symptoms that aren’t being believed, or you’re being gaslit by others (or even yourself) into thinking it’s normal to be experiencing them. So write to us !! Send us your stories, keep telling us where it hurts, because even when the doctors don’t, SSG will see you now.

Love you,
Kenzie and Rosa x